I have come to realize that I probably won’t be able to keep up with my kids on the comedy front, especially my son, Brandon, who just turned 10 last week.
To give you a sense of what I deal with on a daily basis, you have to understand how careful I must be when I speak, since my kids take everything VERY literally. I feel like an eternal straight man from an old Abbott and Costello routine.
ME: Hey, Brandon, could you pick up the playroom? We have guests coming over. Time to clean up.
MY SON: Dad! I’m not strong enough to pick up the whole playroom!
When we go together to get the mail at the community mailboxes, he will often ask, “Is there anything for me?”. Usually, there isn’t mail for him, so he says:
“Nothing in here but a whole bunch of boring.”
I have to admit that I love this phrase that he coined, and I intend to start using it myself. He is a trendsetter.
When he was about two, Brandon came up with a phrase that my MOM still uses today. It’s for use whenever you are irritated with someone or something around you:
“No. Go away from me.” It’s succinct and to-the-point, right?
Our seven-year-old daughter, Aleah, seems destined to be an artist with her cool and creative talents, but she also has a very stern manner when things aren’t going her way. When she is upset with Brandon, her tone is sharp and (I’m a little ashamed to admit) entertaining.
The other day, I heard this coming from my 55-pound child (directed at her much older, much larger brother):
“NO! I DO NOT ACCEPT THAT EXCUSE. I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT EVER AGAIN!”
Yikes! Clearly, she meant business. I am not worried about this child standing up for herself. In fact, I get more concerned about her being overly bossy.
Our toddler Abby (two and a half) has the most expressive face I have encountered in a child this age. She is also just plain funny sometimes. She also loves to “jam” to music. Yesterday, my wife Pam swears that Abby was HARMONIZING to a song that Pam was singing.
We were doing some Christmas shopping the other day and the store was about to close. Abby had found a rather large “My Little Pony” set that caught her fancy. I took it from her hands so that I could try to ascertain the price, when I heard this:
“EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME, Dad! Dat is mine!”
Seems as though someone is beginning to take after her big sister now.
Tonight, I met my family to have some pizza on my way home from the office. On her third slice of pizza, Abby became convinced that there was a small creature on her food:
ABBY: Mama! There’s a bee – right there!
PAM: Abby, there’s no bee in here.
ABBY: He was right there! He was flying….with his tiny wings!
She then proceeded to demonstrate with her arms. Priceless.
Our new baby girl continues to gestate along quietly and without incident. We have less than 17 weeks now until our due date! Pam has been feeling MUCH better lately, so I really appreciate your kind words and your prayers.